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ALISON'S MUSE NEWS Blog

Purpose in Life

Posted by Alison on May 14, 2021 at 2:00 AM

  Strange isn’t it our perspective on life. I have a friend, aren’t I lucky to have any friends, but this friend beggars belief. I often say and would say to the face God must have had a purpose for putting this soul on the planet but I have yet to reason why. Similarly to snakes! What purpose have they in the run of the mill of things. Where do they fit in. I suspect having read the beforehand piece you will be asking yourself, that is if anybody reads through my blogs. Perhaps this is my way of letting off steam.

I have not spoken to anybody today. I have spoken to the plants that I have been nurturing and a spider that I disturbed; and, of course, myself. Which, brought to mind; why don’t I record my happenings and thought processes on a day to day basis. Regardless, if anybody takes the precious time to note or read.

How has my day been? Started off as per normal, woke early, carried on in my usual fashion. What shall I get up to? So I went to the office and wrote a bit on the blog and then decided time to get on with my work for DCB Antiques and DCB Books will not run themselves and Clients are relying on me to sell their items. I have thirty plus Clients and I care for them all. Such wonderful kind supportive people. Some are at the age when computers are still foreign to them and the idea of a shop not being on the high street but accessible online only is quite beyond them. At the same time they appreciate the monies generated to them for the sale of their items.

I found out and learnt a long time ago that no way was I able to run this business for profit. Very disappointing but there we are. So once Her Majesties’ Government had stopped laughing and falling about with the novelty and when I had duly submitted my yearly financial information which amounted to a loss or just managed to scrape through, no loss, no gain; I had to rethink the business. Hence, I now run it as a non-profit making business. For a while and even now it gives me a purpose to get up out of bed in the morning but little else does. Everything in the home is a necessary chore to be done. Cleaning, ironing, washing, decorating, gardening, for one; does it make sense?

I did not realise for a long time that everything I did in the home was for the family. Now I am alone. Please don’t misunderstand me I love my home and that is why I am trying to maintain it and keep it up to scratch but my purpose has gone.

Back to today and the business of the day. Last week I was under the weather. Sitting outside in the cold entertaining did not do me any good and I ended up in bed more than I should; shaking inside and out. Of course, my lumbago, joined in the affray not making anything better. Oh well, it saved on electricity my staying in bed and recovering. Ah the business of the day. Accounts which have been ignored through my time of decorating and gardening were put in order. Unfortunately, it took longer than expected but then if one leaves things to lie… Anyway, all up to scratch and everyone, I hope is happy.

On my return from the post box in the village I entered the drive and noted straight away the dishevelled garden. I am sure that a certain wildlife presenter with his film crew were seen last year going into the undergrowth, have yet to re-emerge. I do worry about the frog pond if they should fall in! I took myself down the garden and did a few jobs in the greenhouse then returned to the front garden where I pondered the decision whether it was sensible to begin work on clearing, weeding, sorting at 4 p.m. especially as I have to consider my appointment with the phlebotomist tomorrow, the blood suckers of the human race. Strange that we now need to make an appointment online to go when we used to just go with the blood form take a number from the machine (identical to the one at Sainsbury’s delicatessen counter in the old days) pre pandemic. Will these methods change or remain as the norm. When the doctor requests that you get a blood test as soon as possible and you end up getting an appointment in three weeks; not quite the same as when you used to just go to the hospital on the same day. Albeit, waiting for your turn with your number, watching the numbers count down to your turn. Is it, in retrospect, count down to a turn or count up, because generally it starts at one and goes on ever upwards. Of course, today it may be considered a better system because of being given a time slot, not waiting for a period in a waiting room with people who may have all kinds of infectious diseases which may be caught by those also in attendance who are obviously in the waiting room for health reasons of their own.

Sorry if I am going off the subjects and pontificating but as I have decided that nobody will be reading this lengthy history. I am supposing that it really does not matter what I write.

Hurrah! I ate the last of the barbecue cooked meats and salad today for lunch. Actually, I ate it whilst doing the accounts. Not very wise handling papers, writing cheques, and keying details on the computer with sticky hands. Though to assure people I did keep going to the bathroom so my hands were sanitised and clean. Still using the medical scrub purchased for nurses and myself when handling and looking after my husband. Lasting so long, expensive but good. Yes, I do miss him. Sometimes I find myself going along to the bedroom expecting to see him only to remember halfway along the passage he is no longer in situ. That lovely smile on his face. Do you think that we do live on when we pass? Do you believe that when you go you will be welcomed like in the film of Titanic when all are assembled who had died in the main foyer of the ship to welcome the heroine.

Why should tomato plants and any plants for that matter be healthy looking proud suddenly keel over for not apparent reason? Six plants, along with twelve or so, today were placed outside the property for people to collect for free when they are passing. All healthy lovely and green appreciating a bit of a shower. When I looked at them later, six were decidedly lacking in health and vigour so back down the garden to the greenhouse they were taken. Such a shame. Funny thing you know this time last year I could not grow enough tomato plants they were being snatched (and I mean that in the nicest possible way) up and taken away quite willingly by villagers and visitors. This year I cannot give them, again free, away. Yet so much feedback was received on how good the plants had served the new homes.

Thirty plus red peppers now available. I cannot charge as I cannot afford the likelihood that the plants die on the new owners and the feedback being unfavourable. Lost a few stocks, which were doing great but because I did not take the glass cover over them away they got burnt in the sun. Ah well next year. If I am still here.

Ok easy to say now but at the time it seemed unnecessary. I did plant some trays up with seeds and thought to myself, no need to label, for when they come up I shall know exactly what plant they are. Nope not a clue. Some trays have got emerging seedlings but unrecognisable at this time and some nothing. Now that is fine, perhaps the ones that have not grown yet are due to take longer but at the same time if they don’t, then I am watering or rather fine spraying a tray of compost. Eventually something will come up. Like the mushrooms that suddenly appeared in a pot. I did look at them reflecting on whether they were edible or not. I came to the conclusion the risk was not worth it and they did look too good to be true. Field mushrooms yes but not this pot of mushrooms. Do like mushrooms cooked in butter or sliced with herbs and olive oil, yummy.

You see how my mind has turned back to my stomach which has been filled to the gunnels with three chicken legs and salad leaves. My belt, not that I am wearing one, but if I was, is tight eating the slightest thing just makes me feel bulbous and ballooning.

I have said that it appears to be all me me me… Have you noticed how single people have a tendency to talk more than they used to. Tony and I used to comment on this and joke because at times it was quite amusing. As if the short term ties are too important to break or cut without saying everything and anything. I find myself doing it now. I am sure I never talked so much. Perhaps I am making up for the time when my husband used to take centre stage when entertaining and I would just sit back like the rest of the audience to enjoy his stories, quick wit and the art of turning serious conversations at a party into something to be laughed at. Will we ever entertain again in the same fashion with the same laughter around us?

Next Monday I have an interview with the Job Centre! Well you have to try everything out once in your life and this is my time. Mixed emotions about going, though, yet to confirm it may be online. I suppose I may have gone to a job centre when I left school but I don’t recall doing so. Of course my husband had supported me, more so in the past years. His pension held the home together. My carers allowance was soon eaten up but I only have myself to blame I would employ a qualified nurse to come and take over to give me a break for a couple of hours twice a week. Silly the thoughts at the time. I had ideas above my station. Within the period of being relieved I could go shopping, visiting friends, get my fillings done (still needed to be replaced), back to the hygienist. By the time hand over had been completed at each end of the time there was little time for me to do very much and it soon became very evident that those pennies spent of the nurse left me nothing in the purse for dentists, shopping etc. Of course, the poor nurse had to tell me that she could not do ‘handling’ any more because of her own body suffering and she had to think of her health. Now looking back; it was no time until I was unable to go out other than when she was here to get into the garden was a break but if he needed me a call was all it took to get me back to his bedside. I don’t begrudge a moment. I know I found it hard on my own when nobody could or would come near, because of the outbreak of the virus, to keep close at hand but no more harder than anybody else in the same position at the same time. I still think back to when I would turn the television off and the red light would flicker until stabilising to say it was off and the indication was given either by pointing or saying, (when he could) that the television was still on. No it wasn’t but it was his light hearted joke to keep me alert…

I suppose that I have now covered the purpose in life. I think mine has been and gone. Finding it hard to recognise that I have any real purpose in life and though I dearly want to help and look after others. Home is no longer a home without my soul mate, partner, and so much more.

Perhaps, I have now joined my friend and snakes, as God having or not a purpose in life.

 

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