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ALISON'S MUSE NEWS Blog

Alison's Muse News Blog is there to read and if interested comment upon but the points and information are my own thoughts opened up maybe for interest. 

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Don't Care Was Made To Care!

Posted by Alison on May 14, 2021 at 2:00 AM Comments comments (64)

How many times did the children say ‘Don’t Care’! Of course the change would happen but as I lay in bed last night tired, low in mind, I found myself saying ‘I really don’t care anymore’… As I looked out at the corner of the eaves I watched the sparrows still in the light of day, coming and going into their home. Presumably now feeding their chicks. We have four house sparrow nests around the house under the eaves. One sparrow sets off the house camera alarm every day as it starts its’ exit and entry into their home and nest. The one thing from my bed I can actually see two of the entrances to the nests and watch as these little birds are back and forth from dawn to dusk. At the same time I have noted and shouted at the jackdaws, rooks, crows and magpies who are aware of the coming and goings of these little workers. I have seen these (in my view) horrible birds perched on the edge looking over the roof tile into the nest holes. They know. I know as well that there will come the time when the parents will be looking at their little fledglings and saying ‘this is your time to spread your wings and go into the big world’. The little chicks will be ready to fledge and leave the nest and guess who will also be aware? They will be waiting and either pick them off as they take their first little steps to freedom or in flight.

How many chick fledglings will survive? Lucky if any. The quantity of predators outweigh the quantity of little garden birds, to include blue tits, robins, and more. I have watched one blue tit family, residing in one of our bird boxes, with five broods in a year all being taken if not by the already mentioned but I have seen woodpeckers and squirrels being attracted to the very same box. House Martins that fly every year from Africa to nest and breed end up fruitless because the main predators who live on top of the roof in their own rough abode see them as a snack.

I have lived in the countryside all my life, well apart from my time in Blackpool (best forgotten period) and London a few months enjoyed but yenned at the end to be back in the countryside which did not stop my from visiting the capital. Learnt and lived a lot in London an experience and so much of my history.

Of course, time has passed since my time in London and the last time I was there I joined the Countryside March. The best part of joining in was the feeling of being part of a great organisation and my memory was more on the architecture which when you travel by underground, taxi, bus etc you do not necessarily appreciate. Well that is my opinion.

From those little birds to dogs being stolen. Or maybe not. Been raining through the night but eased off now. I must check the bumble bee nest. When I lifted the base of the old shed off the grass where the dismantled shed had been placed for my recycling; which involved sawing the good from the bad. Taking out the old nails to prevent damage to the handler, me. Used to joke that my husband would save good re-useable wood but in the process he would cut down to lengths of a manageable that would fit nicely under workbench into the void. When I emptied the old workshop in anticipation for the new I placed everything under a tarpaulin onto the astroturf. When it came to returning the wood I decided to build a temporary wood storage box to hold all the good wood for reuse. Two days later I stood back with pride. One side of the old door from the old workshop had become the lid for the new box. Very strong, heavy and sturdy. I gave it all a coat of paint. When I looked at it after completion I recognised exactly how everyone would view this new addition. Mausoleum came to mind and R.I.P. should be painted on the front. Oh, dear how many people, especially my sons will think that I have built my own resting place.

I suppose you could at least ask has it earned its’ use as a wood keeper. Yes, all the wood has been stored away inside except from the wood salvaged from the old workshop which did not fit in. The disadvantage of this massive attention seeking box is that you can guarantee that the piece of wood I want is at the bottom of the pile and one day people will come round into the back garden and find my legs sticking out of the top with the lid, old door, on my body wedged inside. Perhaps the obvious is to return the wood under the workbench which is free where it can be easily recognised for what it is. We shall see, another job.

Used to laughingly say about my list of jobs and projects, which is never ending, and the truth is that as soon as one task is completed so another raises its head out of the blue, totally unexpected, not necessarily expected. I shall never be bored at home no matter how alone.

I have to consider going back out to work. Seriously, what am I able to do. What are my capabilities after years of looking after my husband, which mutated from standing in a daze when he was returned from hospital and placed into the hospital bed which had been brought into the home. Our king size bed had been dismantled to make room for the hospital bed. The home first crew, district nurses and occupational therapists all stood with me looking down at him. He was not due to live for long but he had been brought home where he and I wanted him… What a fight to get him out of hospital. I pulled strings all over the place and after a battle.

How funny is that I have just mentioned Blackpool and sure enough just been mentioned by Steve on the radio… yes I agree with his opinion regarding Blackpool.

It is time for me to meet the day head on. After all the sparrows and little birds are busy so must I get on. DCB Antiques and DCB Books will not run themselves and my lovely Clients will not be happy if I err.

So Adieu and by the way, I do care, that is probably why I would fight for all I care for and do and have done.

 

The Steamer Has Gone!

Posted by Alison on May 14, 2021 at 2:00 AM Comments comments (0)

The obvious response is to say; “No, I am still here”. Strange how things transpire. I have experienced those ‘de je vous’ moments. Now what was it! Ah yes. The other day, in the sunshine sawing lengthy wood of twelve feet in length to manageable sizes to make into stakes. My portable work master bench was not really stable enough so I brought the railing of the fence into use and thought I could do with another similar work master bench only for today one to suddenly be advertised into the village mailing list. I missed out but these occurrences happen quite a bit, but, at the same time losing things.

Have I managed to lose things, yes. Firstly, a pair of cufflinks which I had bought my husband in 1984. For a while I did not say anything to him about the loss but I thought they must have been taken. With so many strangers, because that it what and who we were letting into our home, coming in and out you cannot watch everyone. Those working to assess help advise etc are in the house on trust. Of course, it works both ways. So, I was quite upset that they could not be found. I did eventually find the pair in a most unexpected place but found, located, no less. Then there was the wedding certificate after his death… Because so many legal requirements were for the actual documentation rather than copies I actually had sent one copy out instead of the actual certificate but could I find the original. No… Headless chicken. No use but admit I was getting so upset where was our marriage certificate. Ended up getting legal copies of the original at a cost. Of late, my vaccination card has disappeared. Is it St. Anthony I should be asking to find the lost documentation? The problem being that in the process of decorating I have emptied rooms out to paint and then returned items, as best possible, somehow not able to get everything back in! Anyway, when emptying out the study I must have treated the envelope with the necessary vaccination card into the bin for burning rubbish.

Did I tell you about the study? I bet I didn’t. The dormer windows were only held in by the paintwork, time and age had rotted the wood beneath so without ever saying anything to Tony; so as not to upset him. After all what could he have done other than fret. As soon as I could I attained prices for doing the job required and got a marvellous, so it transpired, local company to do the work. They were efficient and clean and tidy and truly recommended by myself though not the cheapest available. I was in actual fact so pleased with the workmanship I got a quote for all the other wooden framed windows around that property that were in different stages of age related issues and some may have lasted a few more years but still required painting. The company again came back with such a good price that I paid a deposit and they came back this year to complete the work. OK I did say that I recognised how clean and tidy they had been but it did not stop me from shutting all the doors to the rooms that had already been given new windows over the years. One room with door firmly shut was the study. I pleased myself with the thought that the computer and all other business essential items were safely out of the way behind the door including handbag and telephone! Once the days work on the windows had been completed and finished satisfactorily. I decided I must check my emails for sales and catch up on the days’ business.

Try as I might. Could I enter the study room. Oh help what has fallen to prevent the door from opening. I went downstairs and retrieved my rule used for measuring material for mask making. Still available in the Mask cupboard outside for free unless anybody feels like making a contribution towards the material used in the process.

I brought the rule back upstairs and ran under the door expecting to here the sound of the metal ladder which may have fallen, as it had been leaning against the wall behind the door. Nope it was not the offender. I was beginning to panic. I was tired. So to the workshop to get a mallet the jemmy cats claw and any other tool that I thought might help effect a break in to the study room. To say I am surprised that they neighbours did not come round is an underestimation. The door was broken down as I wielded the mallet. The hinges brought the frame and plaster work away but access was gained.

The repaired plaster work was my first attempt at plastering so I was quite pleased with the result that was days later.

The door down the culprit recognised. Tony, very wisely, in some aspects had made false skirting boards that could be easily lifted taken outside, painted and when dried returned to position. It was one of these skirting boards that has repositioned itself against the closed door to prevent opening!

Don’t remember if there were any sales that day. All I know is that the study no longer has a door and that the door is down at the end of the garden waiting to be further broken up and burnt ceremonially.

Now it is time for a bath as I need to be clean for the blood taking session tomorrow. Not that I am particularly dirty. I did not work myself into a sweat today and can’t remember when I last did. Even when hammering the stakes into a firm position I still stayed tepid.

Yes this village has become a marvellous community. Really wonderful over the past year of shut down and when my husband died so many strangers as well as people befriended left cards of condolences, some, without ever meeting him.

 

Purpose in Life

Posted by Alison on May 14, 2021 at 2:00 AM Comments comments (0)

  Strange isn’t it our perspective on life. I have a friend, aren’t I lucky to have any friends, but this friend beggars belief. I often say and would say to the face God must have had a purpose for putting this soul on the planet but I have yet to reason why. Similarly to snakes! What purpose have they in the run of the mill of things. Where do they fit in. I suspect having read the beforehand piece you will be asking yourself, that is if anybody reads through my blogs. Perhaps this is my way of letting off steam.

I have not spoken to anybody today. I have spoken to the plants that I have been nurturing and a spider that I disturbed; and, of course, myself. Which, brought to mind; why don’t I record my happenings and thought processes on a day to day basis. Regardless, if anybody takes the precious time to note or read.

How has my day been? Started off as per normal, woke early, carried on in my usual fashion. What shall I get up to? So I went to the office and wrote a bit on the blog and then decided time to get on with my work for DCB Antiques and DCB Books will not run themselves and Clients are relying on me to sell their items. I have thirty plus Clients and I care for them all. Such wonderful kind supportive people. Some are at the age when computers are still foreign to them and the idea of a shop not being on the high street but accessible online only is quite beyond them. At the same time they appreciate the monies generated to them for the sale of their items.

I found out and learnt a long time ago that no way was I able to run this business for profit. Very disappointing but there we are. So once Her Majesties’ Government had stopped laughing and falling about with the novelty and when I had duly submitted my yearly financial information which amounted to a loss or just managed to scrape through, no loss, no gain; I had to rethink the business. Hence, I now run it as a non-profit making business. For a while and even now it gives me a purpose to get up out of bed in the morning but little else does. Everything in the home is a necessary chore to be done. Cleaning, ironing, washing, decorating, gardening, for one; does it make sense?

I did not realise for a long time that everything I did in the home was for the family. Now I am alone. Please don’t misunderstand me I love my home and that is why I am trying to maintain it and keep it up to scratch but my purpose has gone.

Back to today and the business of the day. Last week I was under the weather. Sitting outside in the cold entertaining did not do me any good and I ended up in bed more than I should; shaking inside and out. Of course, my lumbago, joined in the affray not making anything better. Oh well, it saved on electricity my staying in bed and recovering. Ah the business of the day. Accounts which have been ignored through my time of decorating and gardening were put in order. Unfortunately, it took longer than expected but then if one leaves things to lie… Anyway, all up to scratch and everyone, I hope is happy.

On my return from the post box in the village I entered the drive and noted straight away the dishevelled garden. I am sure that a certain wildlife presenter with his film crew were seen last year going into the undergrowth, have yet to re-emerge. I do worry about the frog pond if they should fall in! I took myself down the garden and did a few jobs in the greenhouse then returned to the front garden where I pondered the decision whether it was sensible to begin work on clearing, weeding, sorting at 4 p.m. especially as I have to consider my appointment with the phlebotomist tomorrow, the blood suckers of the human race. Strange that we now need to make an appointment online to go when we used to just go with the blood form take a number from the machine (identical to the one at Sainsbury’s delicatessen counter in the old days) pre pandemic. Will these methods change or remain as the norm. When the doctor requests that you get a blood test as soon as possible and you end up getting an appointment in three weeks; not quite the same as when you used to just go to the hospital on the same day. Albeit, waiting for your turn with your number, watching the numbers count down to your turn. Is it, in retrospect, count down to a turn or count up, because generally it starts at one and goes on ever upwards. Of course, today it may be considered a better system because of being given a time slot, not waiting for a period in a waiting room with people who may have all kinds of infectious diseases which may be caught by those also in attendance who are obviously in the waiting room for health reasons of their own.

Sorry if I am going off the subjects and pontificating but as I have decided that nobody will be reading this lengthy history. I am supposing that it really does not matter what I write.

Hurrah! I ate the last of the barbecue cooked meats and salad today for lunch. Actually, I ate it whilst doing the accounts. Not very wise handling papers, writing cheques, and keying details on the computer with sticky hands. Though to assure people I did keep going to the bathroom so my hands were sanitised and clean. Still using the medical scrub purchased for nurses and myself when handling and looking after my husband. Lasting so long, expensive but good. Yes, I do miss him. Sometimes I find myself going along to the bedroom expecting to see him only to remember halfway along the passage he is no longer in situ. That lovely smile on his face. Do you think that we do live on when we pass? Do you believe that when you go you will be welcomed like in the film of Titanic when all are assembled who had died in the main foyer of the ship to welcome the heroine.

Why should tomato plants and any plants for that matter be healthy looking proud suddenly keel over for not apparent reason? Six plants, along with twelve or so, today were placed outside the property for people to collect for free when they are passing. All healthy lovely and green appreciating a bit of a shower. When I looked at them later, six were decidedly lacking in health and vigour so back down the garden to the greenhouse they were taken. Such a shame. Funny thing you know this time last year I could not grow enough tomato plants they were being snatched (and I mean that in the nicest possible way) up and taken away quite willingly by villagers and visitors. This year I cannot give them, again free, away. Yet so much feedback was received on how good the plants had served the new homes.

Thirty plus red peppers now available. I cannot charge as I cannot afford the likelihood that the plants die on the new owners and the feedback being unfavourable. Lost a few stocks, which were doing great but because I did not take the glass cover over them away they got burnt in the sun. Ah well next year. If I am still here.

Ok easy to say now but at the time it seemed unnecessary. I did plant some trays up with seeds and thought to myself, no need to label, for when they come up I shall know exactly what plant they are. Nope not a clue. Some trays have got emerging seedlings but unrecognisable at this time and some nothing. Now that is fine, perhaps the ones that have not grown yet are due to take longer but at the same time if they don’t, then I am watering or rather fine spraying a tray of compost. Eventually something will come up. Like the mushrooms that suddenly appeared in a pot. I did look at them reflecting on whether they were edible or not. I came to the conclusion the risk was not worth it and they did look too good to be true. Field mushrooms yes but not this pot of mushrooms. Do like mushrooms cooked in butter or sliced with herbs and olive oil, yummy.

You see how my mind has turned back to my stomach which has been filled to the gunnels with three chicken legs and salad leaves. My belt, not that I am wearing one, but if I was, is tight eating the slightest thing just makes me feel bulbous and ballooning.

I have said that it appears to be all me me me… Have you noticed how single people have a tendency to talk more than they used to. Tony and I used to comment on this and joke because at times it was quite amusing. As if the short term ties are too important to break or cut without saying everything and anything. I find myself doing it now. I am sure I never talked so much. Perhaps I am making up for the time when my husband used to take centre stage when entertaining and I would just sit back like the rest of the audience to enjoy his stories, quick wit and the art of turning serious conversations at a party into something to be laughed at. Will we ever entertain again in the same fashion with the same laughter around us?

Next Monday I have an interview with the Job Centre! Well you have to try everything out once in your life and this is my time. Mixed emotions about going, though, yet to confirm it may be online. I suppose I may have gone to a job centre when I left school but I don’t recall doing so. Of course my husband had supported me, more so in the past years. His pension held the home together. My carers allowance was soon eaten up but I only have myself to blame I would employ a qualified nurse to come and take over to give me a break for a couple of hours twice a week. Silly the thoughts at the time. I had ideas above my station. Within the period of being relieved I could go shopping, visiting friends, get my fillings done (still needed to be replaced), back to the hygienist. By the time hand over had been completed at each end of the time there was little time for me to do very much and it soon became very evident that those pennies spent of the nurse left me nothing in the purse for dentists, shopping etc. Of course, the poor nurse had to tell me that she could not do ‘handling’ any more because of her own body suffering and she had to think of her health. Now looking back; it was no time until I was unable to go out other than when she was here to get into the garden was a break but if he needed me a call was all it took to get me back to his bedside. I don’t begrudge a moment. I know I found it hard on my own when nobody could or would come near, because of the outbreak of the virus, to keep close at hand but no more harder than anybody else in the same position at the same time. I still think back to when I would turn the television off and the red light would flicker until stabilising to say it was off and the indication was given either by pointing or saying, (when he could) that the television was still on. No it wasn’t but it was his light hearted joke to keep me alert…

I suppose that I have now covered the purpose in life. I think mine has been and gone. Finding it hard to recognise that I have any real purpose in life and though I dearly want to help and look after others. Home is no longer a home without my soul mate, partner, and so much more.

Perhaps, I have now joined my friend and snakes, as God having or not a purpose in life.

 

WELL HERE WE GO!

Posted by Alison on May 14, 2021 at 1:55 AM Comments comments (0)

My my my… My husband used to say, quite frequently actually, that I should write a book. Yes, maybe true when I was younger but now with failing cataract eyesight and a be-fuddled brain. Well, let us see how I get on with blogging.

I will apologise up front it all seems to be about me and my day to day experienced which nobody could in the slightest find of interest. Even my family are unlikely to read. Somehow, the writings are turning out to be more of a diarist blabberings but hey if you don’t try you will never know.

Was I angry yesterday? Yes, actually full rage, furious. How would you react? Up early as indeed this morning 3 a.m. seems to be the norm by 4’ish I am up and dressed and listening to the birds which is nice. Last week a friend came round for coffee and we sat outside in the cold albeit workshop with heater on. It took two days of bed to warm up I was so cold. Another lovely couple came round later in the week and yet again we sat outside and sure enough that inside cold feeling was back on me.

I do hope that this is not going to change into me me me but it definitely is panning out that way.

Anyhow back to yesterday. Up early already planned barbeque menu as we decided on the previous week visit. She evidently does not cook on barbeques and never has so I said that I would on the following Tuesday, as in yesterday. Morrisons delivered Monday all the necessary, meat, rolls, salads – I say salads, ready made bowls of salads, potato, cold slaw, all for the barbecue entertainment. As with my way of thinking I ought to purchase two varieties of everything just in case they have run out of one product so that I actually receive what is required. For example two green leaf salad bowls just in case one is not available. I had made a homemade rhubarb crumble, because she likes her puddings so also bought cream and crème freche. As you can tell all the order arrived so the spare of meats; chicken, beefburgers, sausages were put in the freezer and the remainder in the fridge in anticipation.

Well my morning started off early and as per normal the computer went on to check emails, sales, questions, for DCB Antiques and DCB Books my shop sites that have been on the go since 2007! A way to keep brain active an interest retained and for ever learning. Thousands of items for sale in both online shops, primarily provided by clients, all of whom I totally adore. Last count thirty plus wonderful supporters as clients who have become friends.

I err from yesterday. Right; half completed projects in the workshop to resume and finish to tidy up and my idea of using empty paint tins filled with concrete to hold and support posts has worked out quite well. The tins were painted black in preparation and left outside to dry.

Just come back up to the office since I last started pontificating. Put the kettle on to boil. I have never known such a slow kettle I ended up putting the chardonnay wine back into the fridge outside in the workshop, checked the quality of workmanship of yesterday morning. Remembered I hadn’t put the wheelie bin out, due to be emptied today, I have not put them out for weeks so totally out of sinc and because of this I hadn’t a clue which bin is due to be placed outside by the road kerb side. So up the drive I strolled at 6 a.m. the robin is singing and sitting proudly at the top of the silver birch (nearly time for the top to be brought down, always aware that if it fell down in the wrong direction it could cause an accident), I could here the woodpecker tapping away on a tree, though which one I don’t know, recognised that I have been hearing him every morning early time… By the time I had walked up and down the drive my thought ran to the fit bit watch which I have had on charge and not put on. After all I have now done quite a few steps already this morning. The left over concrete was too runny for use in repairing the rendering which has come off at the top of the arch, attempted to use but managed to get more under the ladder than on the open wound of the rendering. Sudden thought, because I hate waste, I saw a programme on television where the presenter soaked an old towel in concrete and hung it to dry over a bucket to make a handkerchief plant holder or just as a feature in the garden. So, this is what I have done, plenty of old towels, don’t want to get to batty first attempt after all. Followed the procedure and left outside to dry. Should have considered the heavy rain forecast and received. As I came back in past my concrete feature I noted that the towel was still sitting in position but the concrete did not look in any way dry! Watch this space, I shall let you know if it works out. Well that was yesterday afternoon.

Back to yesterday morning. I hoisted the Union Jack Flag only to realise that it was not as I thought but an RAF flag – once up I looked and thought ‘I bet if there is a right way or a wrong way’ – sure enough, back down again and rehoisted the correct way round. Why I had not realised the error of flag purchase was the bag only showed the Union, ah well does not matter and Tony would have appreciated the reference to his time in the RAF.

Right! hoovered the debris off the floor in the workshop positioned table ready for cloth. Cushions out on the chairs, just in case, the sun comes out and we can enjoy. Right all dirty duties outside completed and now to change out of work clothes to start on the food for the barbecue. I went indoors upstairs got changed into smarter clothing cleaned and brushed up! Having previously placed the oven on to heat up. Always, especially with white meat like to part cook ready to finish off on the barbecue. Everything out tablecloth with cutlery, plates, napkins, glasses, sauces and chutneys on a small tray, everything going well and to plan. Coffee machine loaded ready for action. As I passed the telephone I noted the red light flashing. The phone must have gone whilst I was outside and unheard. Yes my visitor had left a message; ‘don’t worry about a barbecue we can do that another time’ – ‘I shall still bring the bookcase over at 12 midday anyway as it is in the back of the car in preparation’. I could not believe it. I looked round to the halogen oven which was working well with the meats in preparation. The barbecue ready to put on, fortunately, had not been lit even so my blood was boiling. Reparation time as I started putting everything away again. Putting the meat that had not been started off in the oven into the freezer along with the bread rolls and crumble… Looks like salad will be a daily menu as it needs to be eaten up a short ‘shelf’ life. Well if I am to lift furniture in and out of the car and expecting only now a short visit. I went upstairs and got back into my work clothes.

My visitor arrived. I went to the front door as she parked the furthest point from the front door. I nearly said ‘why don’t you back the car up to the front door’ but I was too weary and angry though attempting to be all hail and hearty. Anyway, I went to help her get the glass fronted cupboard out of the back of her car and we carried it across the drive to inside the front porch. Where it now stands until a position found for it.

“Would you like a coffee?” I asked out of politeness especially as we had to sort out the payment for the item. Which, she was trying to tell me where to put in the house or if I was going to sell, I ignored her orders. “Yes please”. In reply to the coffee.

So we ended up sitting outside looking at the recovered barbecue in the sun on the patio with a cup of coffee. I did not bring out the biscuits or cakes, which I would as a norm with anybody who comes…

It started to rain which prevented further talk. During which mention was made of her being told she had common sense. I felt like saying that the person who had said this must have had a sense of humour or showed the calibre of people she was working with.

There you have it why I was so angry and why I found myself sitting at the table on my own with salad and chicken, sausages and beefburger.

The day went well, within reason. The roses planted but in the process I had weed the area. Tomato plants, being given out free, sorted and checked. Sweet red pepper plants now available for free along with the masks, bags, candles etc etc.

Now back to work today Wednesday 12 May.

Early up. Raining. Well I have visited the Government website to record the flow test taken last night. It seemed like a good thing to do with the waiting period of a programme on television that I wanted to view. So the interim period taken up. Clear; hoorah. Spent an age on the Government website answering questions, more questions and then more. On occasion I wanted to respond with other helpful, I thought to them who process, additional information so I shall store up for the due phone call meeting. Unbelievable! I am not working at present. Everyone knows why I resigned from the agency my thoughts being that if you could not recommend the company you work for and do not like their working ethics then it would be better to ‘go it’ alone. I am 63 going on 64 years of age and a few years ago at these respective ages I would be ‘drawing’ a pension but no I have to wait for three more years and expected to return to work in the meantime. My whole body aches. As I sit here typing or keying my muscles, joints are aching. Although part of my daily routine before getting up and dressed is to take four pain-killers. My lumbago has healed, though aware that if I sit in drafts the likelihood is the return. My fault for entertaining outside last week. The result of two days, which should have been better spent in recovering the garden in bed because I was shaking from cold inside and out.

Still the pain in the back which catches my breath is there. A fall onto a brick wall that did not give way is taking forever to repair. Of course this did not stop my mounting the ladders to get some of the house decorated a long overdue task. Stopped decorating for now.

Applied for disability benefit; well I would not employ myself though full of enthusiasm everything is willing barring the body. At least when working at home I can indulge the countless visits to the bathroom. The loss of control is embarrassing. Years ago I attended the consultant at University Hospital. I had heard that Sharon Osborne had suffered similarly and a small operation had sorted the issue. After being violated I went away and vowed not to return. A nightmare interview with embarrassing consequences; I did not return for the result. Now I find when the call of nature is upon me I have to go promptly, sometimes with no time to shut the bathroom door. Depressed, yes.

I still miss my husband who for 36 years stood by my side. Supporting, looking after me being there to talk to me, help when required (except for medical matters, tacit, unspoken). Only in his last year did he ever lift his hand or voice but it was all due to his depression, anxiety, the knowledge that his body was not functioning. We both cried together and the laughter, oh I do miss the laughter, the sense of fun and the way he could see a joke when really there was none but the girls used to say that they loved coming to attend because invariably they went away with jaws aching from laughter. A bottled memory. Now the house is quiet except for the occasional pipe noises or floorboard creeks. I could write a book on our life together and how it was affected by kidney disease and latterly motor neuron disease. He did not deserve nobody does.

Well disability declined I only ticked one of the boxes so my P45 was duly sent out to me. I had previously applied for unemployment benefit or todays’ equivalent but again declined as fit for work. So I am now the grand possessor of two P45s.

Having finished my blog post of yesterday I went outside to collect the wheelie bin in which had subsequently been emptied. It was nice enough to stay in the garden. So the netting attached to stakes (homemade of course) was duly taken to the wall in the front garden. It was more of a strain than I first thought the job would be. I decided number 10 rawlplugs and screws were brought out to strengthen the upper support with the electric Bosch drill, screwdriver and hammer. The garden area itself had to be cleared in preparation for the new structure so a few wheelbarrows loaded with the unwanted was taken down to the compost area. I don’t know why I am going into a long explanation of this task, I suspect it is me saying that I did actually complete one job yesterday in between the sleep periods and boy do I sleep. I did expect having spent, especially the last year of his life, turning him every half hour day and night that my broken sleep pattern may return but obviously not. I do not want to start taking sleeping pills especially being on my own if somebody else was in the house; that would be a different matter altogether.

 

I slept yesterday morning after writing the blog; suddenly feeling tired I went back to bed and slept until midday. No sooner had I finished the now completed fixture of the netting and stakes the sweet peas have been placed in position. Came indoors had some leftover salad and barbecue food and then, again, snuggled up into bed fully clothed and fell asleep. Woke up at 6 pm. Shut up the workshop and greenhouse. Came in closed the downstairs curtains; though, I didn’t. I found this morning that I had left the hallway curtains open.

I did not have a coffee yesterday at all throughout the day but I fancy one now. So, I shall venture down the apple and pears.

Signing off …

 


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